Tumble Dry, but Only if You Want To

Sometimes the boats are the best thing in the boat world.  Other times, goats are boats in disguise.  You figure it out.

When the boats are making the rounds of the Round Table, something decides to be on in the kitchen making whirring noises.  This is the time when you get a baseball bat and start singing Christmas carols.  Walk across the moat with care, then hit the baseball with a hammer.  That'll teach 'em.

There are times that you get suckered in by drugs and alcohol and sex with women, m'kay?

Answering the phone is like the phone answer because the answer to the phone is the phone answering answer phone.

The Men Who Stare at Boats

Sometimes I think that people are just trying to make life difficult for everyone else around them.  That thought was confirmed this week when things started falling from the sky and people were using magnets to attract the metallic things towards them.  I don't know why they were doing it, they were just being douche bags.

It also seems that things that are are actually things that aren't, and things that aren't aren't things that aren't, but are things that are.  Think about that.

Buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo.

John, while James had had "had", had had "had had"; "had had" had had a better effect on the teacher.

Things that go on in the bathroom should stay in Congress.

New Month, Different Cakes Made of Bundt

So, thirty one things have happened since I last posted.

1. Germany declared war on the country of Timor-Leste
2. George W. Bush went back to school at Yale, flunked his first 4 classes, and then went to Europe to live in solitude as a goat farmer
3. Kelly Clarkson released an album titled "Monkeys Are Forever"
4. Twenty seven of the world's most flamboyant homosexuals organized the world's best bake sale
5. Nintendo released a press statement saying that they would bring tripping back to the next installment of Super Smash Brothers (to everyone's delight)
6. A truck carrying a load of Nokia phones crashed into the British Parliament building
7. The Greek god Zeus made an appearance on the Tonight Show with Jay Leno
8. Detroit Lions quarterback Matthew Stafford revealed that he is, in fact, a Brony
9. South Park creators Matt Parker and Trey Stone won 15 more Tonys for best musical
10. Weathermen across the nation were dumbfounded when there was NO weather whatsoever for 13.5 seconds on August 31st
11. Alice Cooper and Iron Maiden played a show in Antarctica to a crowd of 40,000 penguins
12. Sharpie released a line of permanent markers that have even more hallucinogenic effects when you sniff them
13. Major League Baseball commissioner Bud Selig entered a hot dog eating contest and finished 3rd, behind Tom Cruise and Regis Philbin
14. Cave Johnson started publicly trading Aperture Science on the NASDAQ stock exchange
15. Green became the new official color of the Ivory Coast
16. Vermont became the first state to elect an extra-terrestrial being governor (Arnold Schwarzenegger doesn't count, California)
17. More than 1,400 new mushroom species were discovered in a small town in Brazil
18. Mike Massey, famed billiards trick-shot artist, co-founded a chain of restaurants with Poison lead-singer Bret Michaels
19. Hewlett-Packard introduced a fully functional robotic arm designed to write the Declaration of Independence in the Cyrillic alphabet
20. Beyoncé changed her name to Béÿoncæ
21. The National Association for Stupid Acronyms sued the National Aeronautic and Space Administration for trademark infringement
22. The Wizard of Oz debuted on Mars
23. Pluto was reinstated as a planet
24. Jerry Springer was arrested for public intoxication after drinking fourteen mimosas at Trader Vic's
25. Selma Hayek enlisted the help of fourteen Portuguese tour guides to show her around Hollywood
26. Colonel Sanders rose from his grave and demanded that KFC change its name back to Kentucky Fried Chicken
27. Bowling For Soup released a statement endorsing the consumption of Twinkies
28. Apple's new iPhone 14SG3.1 II was released on the market
29. Norway celebrated its independence from Iceland, even though they never were under Iceland's control
30. The University of Michigan officially change its name to "Ohio State's Bitch"
31. I wrote this blog post

Pay No Attention to the Pink Poodle Behind the Curtain

Things are sometimes not what they seem to be.  Be careful people.

Seventy Four Ways to Kill a Mockingbird

What's all the hoopla about baked beans?  Sure, they're the magical fruit, but I don't think that alone warrants hoopla.  A ballyhoo, perhaps, but not hoopla.  I can think of many things worthy of hoopla that are better than baked beans.

• A fourteen hundred hour marathon of the music video for Gangnam Style
• A car show where the only cars shown off are lime green Ford Pintos
• Riding a bus to Cleveland so that you can get out and fart in Cleveland's air (baked beans might help with that, in fact)
• Listening to manatee mating calls while driving to the dentist
• Stealing diamonds from someone else's chest in Minecraft
• Changing a diaper on a chimpanzee who has eaten too many baked beans

It's odd that two of those things on that list have something to do with baked beans.  Maybe a hoopla is, in fact, in order for those wonderful things.

Ridiculously Large Styrofoam Cups Wreak Havoc in Jerusalem

Haven't we had enough of this "I want to look like Marilyn Monroe" crap?  I mean honestly, who would ever want to be a bombshell blonde movie star?  It doesn't make any sense.  Studies have shown that people who look like Honey Boo Boo's mother get more action than someone who looks like a movie star.

Fancy Feast: The Gift that Keeps on Giving

I am the most humble person on the face of the planet.  Sometimes, I'm also redundant.  That is, I say the same thing over and over again.  I will tell tell the same story multiple times.  But let's not exaggerate; exaggeration is a billion times worse than being redundant.  Maybe instead of being redundant I'll send some ice cubes to Eskimos.  That'll teach 'em!

Gentlemen... Start Your Potatoes!

Drinking coffee is great.  Coffee allows people to do things that they normally wouldn't be able to do.  Here's a list of the things that consuming a good cup of coffee in the morning will enable you to do:

•  Eat a thousand Twinkies in under two minutes
• Perceive the thoughts of forest creatures
• Take the train and not die (this is probably the most spectacular of all abilities)
• Walk into a bank, demand the bank manager open the vault, and steal all the money
• Tightrope walk between two flying helicopters
• Send Morse code messages by turning on and off a vacuum cleaner

This is only the tip of the iceberg.  If I listed all of the great things that coffee allows you to do, I'd be here for at least 15 weeks, and the list would reach the Moon if printed out in 16 point Chiller font.

Set Cravings to Maximum

I want to be a lexicographer.  Not because I like words, but because the title sounds cool.  You could walk up to anyone on the street and say "I'm a lexicographer!" and they would probably react in one of three ways.

1. They could immediately start taking off their clothes and start to dry hump you, naked.  
2. They could start spinning around in circles while chanting "I am not the droids you are looking for".  
3. They could become your personal servant, waiting on you hand and foot, until you said the magic phrase: "Brown clowns in gowns frown while they drown."

Now, people won't react this way if you aren't actually a lexicographer, so don't get any wise ideas of lying to perfect strangers about your profession.  You have to take 15 years of lexicographer school to become head lexicographer at a major lexicography corporation before people start reacting this way.

The Thirst Quencher

It was an eventful weekend:  Nicolas Cage decided that he was going to run for president of Kazakhstan;  Mother Teresa arose from the grave and gave a speech at Syracuse University about the dangers of using too much pepper in a chicken alfredo dish; and Charlie Sheen announced that he was going to enter the NFL draft.  But I think the most interesting thing that happened this weekend occurred in the city of Pamplona, Spain.  Pamplona is probably most famous for the yearly Running of the Bulls, where hundreds of undeserving school children are marched out into the streets of Pamplona and are then ceremoniously mocked by passers-by.  "Your mother likes to eat raw spaghetti!" or "Don't you know the difference between John Wayne and Lil' Wayne?!" are a few examples of insults hurled at these poor kids.

Anyway, the happenings in Pamplona this weekend were way more exciting than that.  Numerous statues around the city came to life in what some would call "The Great Pamplona Statue Awakening of 2013".  Some of the statues were well-behaved and mild-mannered, while others pillaged, rioted, and looted from most of the businesses in town.  However, the mean ones only stole from shops that sold a specific variety of soap.  Maybe they were just dirty and, being statues with no money, had to resort to stealing this soap so they could clean themselves.

This went on for about a half hour or so.  After it was over, the statues went back to their rightful places around town, posed in a slightly different pose than they were in before, and froze back into position.

Forty Nine Bottles of Beer on the Wall

A man once asked me "Where do you buy your tampons?"  I replied, "Where everyone else buys their tampons: Best Buy!"

Best Buy, if you haven't heard, has started to sell this line of super-duper, high-tech tampons for men.  These tampons do everything.  They will order you your favorite pizza from your favorite pizzeria when you are hungry.  They will alert the President of the United States if they feel that there is a threat to the national sorghum crop yield.  They will also analyze the probability that a certain type of fish will be found in your current location.

So the man thanked me and went on his way.  A fortnight later, the man comes back to me and says "Whoa!  Those were the best tampons I've ever tamped!"  I wondered Why was this man tamping his tampons?  Seems kinda strange.  Then I asked myself Is that what you're supposed to do with them?  So I went home and got my box and tampons and started tamping them.  It was the most exhilarating experience I've ever had in my entire life.  This may become one of my favorite pastimes.

Heavenly Cake Bodies: Fact or Fiction?

Hair is weird.  Sometimes hair is fluffy.  Sometimes it's matted down.  Sometimes it gets fifteen different types of grease trapped inside of it and turns into a gelatinous mush that smells like rodent droppings.  No matter what the state of your hair, the best thing to do to keep it looking good is to wash it at least once per day with a mixture of lemon juice and ammonia.  This will give your hair that "new hair smell" that everyone is looking for.

Fourteen Thousand Little Things to Make You Shudder

Symbiosis... Everyone's doing it.  Here's why you should be doing it, too.

Every once and a while, you might feel yourself struggling to survive.  Your body aches with every passing second; every breath you take feels like it might be your last.  Well, if you achieve symbiosis, then all of that will pass.  Sometimes you need another living being by your side to say "Hey, stop putting ketchup on your birthday cake", or "What are you doing?  Don't touch the Mona Lisa!"  Sometimes just hearing those words can make your day just a little bit brighter.

So I suggest you run to the nearest flea market to try to find this person to achieve symbiosis with.  Usually, the people with the most symbiotic potential are those selling old, worn-out area rugs.  And not those just selling one or two of them.  You need to find the person who has over a hundred of them, each with their own price tag of $5.  Walk up to this man (it's almost always a man), and say "Hey, would you like to pet my chihuahua?"  If he replies positively, run away as fast as you can.  If he replies negatively, then you know that you've found your symbiotic mate.

More Things to Think About While Being Fed to Lions

I was watching television the other day, when a man on an infomercial started to try to sell me stuff.  "Free liposuction!!!"  "Two hundred under-aged Vietnamese school girls!!!"  "Fifteen brand new ballpoint pens!!!"  I sat there thinking.  What do these three things have in common?  Then it hit me: Richard Dawson.  Richard Dawson, as some of you might know, was a television actor, most famous for appearing on Hogan's Heroes, Family Feud, and the Match Game.  These are three things that he would have loved to purchase.  So I called this man up on the telephone and told him, "I think you're going to have a hard time selling these things as a bundle.  The one person that would buy all three of them is dead.  He died of esophageal cancer about a year ago."  This made the man very upset.  I could hear him sobbing and whimpering through the telephone.  Then, from a distance, I heard the man scream "BUT I JUST WANTED A PUPPY!!!!"  I slowly hung up the phone.

What was wrong with this man?  Survey says..... everything.

Of the World Who Likes to Eat Feces

Sometimes when people come up to me on the street and say "Hey, your poodle is looking a little green!", I shoot them in the face with a water pistol filled with platypus urine.  Other times, in the same situation, I like to pull up the back of my shirt and show them my lower back tattoo, the one I got while I was in the Marines, you know, the one that looks like Snoopy giving Charlie Brown a blow job.

Anyway, I was visiting the Vatican the other day when I heard a commotion.  I thought to myself What is this commotion?  The commotion was not, in fact, a commotion, but a ruckus.  People were fighting in the streets, with children at their feet.  And the morals that they worshiped were gone.  They had reverted back into the ape-like chimpanzee-encrusted pizza-loving tornadoes that they were.  It was some sight to see.  I still have nightmares.

Bake That, TC!