Pay No Attention to the Pink Poodle Behind the Curtain

Things are sometimes not what they seem to be.  Be careful people.

Seventy Four Ways to Kill a Mockingbird

What's all the hoopla about baked beans?  Sure, they're the magical fruit, but I don't think that alone warrants hoopla.  A ballyhoo, perhaps, but not hoopla.  I can think of many things worthy of hoopla that are better than baked beans.

• A fourteen hundred hour marathon of the music video for Gangnam Style
• A car show where the only cars shown off are lime green Ford Pintos
• Riding a bus to Cleveland so that you can get out and fart in Cleveland's air (baked beans might help with that, in fact)
• Listening to manatee mating calls while driving to the dentist
• Stealing diamonds from someone else's chest in Minecraft
• Changing a diaper on a chimpanzee who has eaten too many baked beans

It's odd that two of those things on that list have something to do with baked beans.  Maybe a hoopla is, in fact, in order for those wonderful things.

Ridiculously Large Styrofoam Cups Wreak Havoc in Jerusalem

Haven't we had enough of this "I want to look like Marilyn Monroe" crap?  I mean honestly, who would ever want to be a bombshell blonde movie star?  It doesn't make any sense.  Studies have shown that people who look like Honey Boo Boo's mother get more action than someone who looks like a movie star.

Fancy Feast: The Gift that Keeps on Giving

I am the most humble person on the face of the planet.  Sometimes, I'm also redundant.  That is, I say the same thing over and over again.  I will tell tell the same story multiple times.  But let's not exaggerate; exaggeration is a billion times worse than being redundant.  Maybe instead of being redundant I'll send some ice cubes to Eskimos.  That'll teach 'em!

Gentlemen... Start Your Potatoes!

Drinking coffee is great.  Coffee allows people to do things that they normally wouldn't be able to do.  Here's a list of the things that consuming a good cup of coffee in the morning will enable you to do:

•  Eat a thousand Twinkies in under two minutes
• Perceive the thoughts of forest creatures
• Take the train and not die (this is probably the most spectacular of all abilities)
• Walk into a bank, demand the bank manager open the vault, and steal all the money
• Tightrope walk between two flying helicopters
• Send Morse code messages by turning on and off a vacuum cleaner

This is only the tip of the iceberg.  If I listed all of the great things that coffee allows you to do, I'd be here for at least 15 weeks, and the list would reach the Moon if printed out in 16 point Chiller font.

Set Cravings to Maximum

I want to be a lexicographer.  Not because I like words, but because the title sounds cool.  You could walk up to anyone on the street and say "I'm a lexicographer!" and they would probably react in one of three ways.

1. They could immediately start taking off their clothes and start to dry hump you, naked.  
2. They could start spinning around in circles while chanting "I am not the droids you are looking for".  
3. They could become your personal servant, waiting on you hand and foot, until you said the magic phrase: "Brown clowns in gowns frown while they drown."

Now, people won't react this way if you aren't actually a lexicographer, so don't get any wise ideas of lying to perfect strangers about your profession.  You have to take 15 years of lexicographer school to become head lexicographer at a major lexicography corporation before people start reacting this way.

The Thirst Quencher

It was an eventful weekend:  Nicolas Cage decided that he was going to run for president of Kazakhstan;  Mother Teresa arose from the grave and gave a speech at Syracuse University about the dangers of using too much pepper in a chicken alfredo dish; and Charlie Sheen announced that he was going to enter the NFL draft.  But I think the most interesting thing that happened this weekend occurred in the city of Pamplona, Spain.  Pamplona is probably most famous for the yearly Running of the Bulls, where hundreds of undeserving school children are marched out into the streets of Pamplona and are then ceremoniously mocked by passers-by.  "Your mother likes to eat raw spaghetti!" or "Don't you know the difference between John Wayne and Lil' Wayne?!" are a few examples of insults hurled at these poor kids.

Anyway, the happenings in Pamplona this weekend were way more exciting than that.  Numerous statues around the city came to life in what some would call "The Great Pamplona Statue Awakening of 2013".  Some of the statues were well-behaved and mild-mannered, while others pillaged, rioted, and looted from most of the businesses in town.  However, the mean ones only stole from shops that sold a specific variety of soap.  Maybe they were just dirty and, being statues with no money, had to resort to stealing this soap so they could clean themselves.

This went on for about a half hour or so.  After it was over, the statues went back to their rightful places around town, posed in a slightly different pose than they were in before, and froze back into position.

Forty Nine Bottles of Beer on the Wall

A man once asked me "Where do you buy your tampons?"  I replied, "Where everyone else buys their tampons: Best Buy!"

Best Buy, if you haven't heard, has started to sell this line of super-duper, high-tech tampons for men.  These tampons do everything.  They will order you your favorite pizza from your favorite pizzeria when you are hungry.  They will alert the President of the United States if they feel that there is a threat to the national sorghum crop yield.  They will also analyze the probability that a certain type of fish will be found in your current location.

So the man thanked me and went on his way.  A fortnight later, the man comes back to me and says "Whoa!  Those were the best tampons I've ever tamped!"  I wondered Why was this man tamping his tampons?  Seems kinda strange.  Then I asked myself Is that what you're supposed to do with them?  So I went home and got my box and tampons and started tamping them.  It was the most exhilarating experience I've ever had in my entire life.  This may become one of my favorite pastimes.

Heavenly Cake Bodies: Fact or Fiction?

Hair is weird.  Sometimes hair is fluffy.  Sometimes it's matted down.  Sometimes it gets fifteen different types of grease trapped inside of it and turns into a gelatinous mush that smells like rodent droppings.  No matter what the state of your hair, the best thing to do to keep it looking good is to wash it at least once per day with a mixture of lemon juice and ammonia.  This will give your hair that "new hair smell" that everyone is looking for.