Fourteen Thousand Little Things to Make You Shudder

Symbiosis... Everyone's doing it.  Here's why you should be doing it, too.

Every once and a while, you might feel yourself struggling to survive.  Your body aches with every passing second; every breath you take feels like it might be your last.  Well, if you achieve symbiosis, then all of that will pass.  Sometimes you need another living being by your side to say "Hey, stop putting ketchup on your birthday cake", or "What are you doing?  Don't touch the Mona Lisa!"  Sometimes just hearing those words can make your day just a little bit brighter.

So I suggest you run to the nearest flea market to try to find this person to achieve symbiosis with.  Usually, the people with the most symbiotic potential are those selling old, worn-out area rugs.  And not those just selling one or two of them.  You need to find the person who has over a hundred of them, each with their own price tag of $5.  Walk up to this man (it's almost always a man), and say "Hey, would you like to pet my chihuahua?"  If he replies positively, run away as fast as you can.  If he replies negatively, then you know that you've found your symbiotic mate.

More Things to Think About While Being Fed to Lions

I was watching television the other day, when a man on an infomercial started to try to sell me stuff.  "Free liposuction!!!"  "Two hundred under-aged Vietnamese school girls!!!"  "Fifteen brand new ballpoint pens!!!"  I sat there thinking.  What do these three things have in common?  Then it hit me: Richard Dawson.  Richard Dawson, as some of you might know, was a television actor, most famous for appearing on Hogan's Heroes, Family Feud, and the Match Game.  These are three things that he would have loved to purchase.  So I called this man up on the telephone and told him, "I think you're going to have a hard time selling these things as a bundle.  The one person that would buy all three of them is dead.  He died of esophageal cancer about a year ago."  This made the man very upset.  I could hear him sobbing and whimpering through the telephone.  Then, from a distance, I heard the man scream "BUT I JUST WANTED A PUPPY!!!!"  I slowly hung up the phone.

What was wrong with this man?  Survey says..... everything.

Of the World Who Likes to Eat Feces

Sometimes when people come up to me on the street and say "Hey, your poodle is looking a little green!", I shoot them in the face with a water pistol filled with platypus urine.  Other times, in the same situation, I like to pull up the back of my shirt and show them my lower back tattoo, the one I got while I was in the Marines, you know, the one that looks like Snoopy giving Charlie Brown a blow job.

Anyway, I was visiting the Vatican the other day when I heard a commotion.  I thought to myself What is this commotion?  The commotion was not, in fact, a commotion, but a ruckus.  People were fighting in the streets, with children at their feet.  And the morals that they worshiped were gone.  They had reverted back into the ape-like chimpanzee-encrusted pizza-loving tornadoes that they were.  It was some sight to see.  I still have nightmares.

Bake That, TC!