Bortzenkragenshtufel

For years, humans have been searching for a way to describe the vast majority of things.  Like that feeling you get when someone is watching you from behind a stained glass window during a thunderstorm; or the time of day just between your first and second bites of your lunch; or the fantasy world created by a prodigious two-year old in Essex, England named Willie Randolph.

But alas, we have not been able to give any of these things names.  Well, I think it's time we started working harder.  I'm sure that Germans have words for them, albeit those words are probably 90 letters and 23 syllables long.

It's Been A While

When I was parking my car, I noticed that people were standing around doing nothing.  "Hey!" I shouted at them.  "Why isn't anything happening!?"

They replied, "Because the chickens can't see where they're going.  If they can't see where they're going, then they can't have babies.  And if they can't have babies, then the whole world is going to end!"

Strange, I thought.  That would mean that chickens having babies is the one most important thing in the entire world.

Blizzard's Seemingly Arbitrary List of Offensive Character Names

So, I'm creating some new characters in Diablo III to run on Hardcore mode.  My thought was to name them some sort of sex-related jawnz, since, you know, "Hardcore."

Anyway, I was kind of surprised at the names that were and were not accepted.

For my Wizard, I tried the following names:
 - RonJeremy -- DENIED
 - RonaldJeremy -- DENIED
 - PeterOToole -- Accepted

The surprising part was not that PeterOToole was accepted, it was that RonJeremy and RonaldJeremy were denied.

For my Demon Hunter, I tried the following names:
 - JizzCannon -- DENIED
 - SpermCannon -- DENIED
 - SemenCannon -- Accepted

I was delighted when SemenCannon was accepted.  I felt like I was gaming the system.

Also, my first ever character's name is TitsMcGee.  Apparently "tits" is not on Blizzard's offensive names filter.

Snuggle Bone

Take a look at my snuggle bone.  Go ahead.  Do it.  You know you want to.

No, my snuggle bone is not for sale.

Tumble Dry, but Only if You Want To

Sometimes the boats are the best thing in the boat world.  Other times, goats are boats in disguise.  You figure it out.

When the boats are making the rounds of the Round Table, something decides to be on in the kitchen making whirring noises.  This is the time when you get a baseball bat and start singing Christmas carols.  Walk across the moat with care, then hit the baseball with a hammer.  That'll teach 'em.

There are times that you get suckered in by drugs and alcohol and sex with women, m'kay?

Answering the phone is like the phone answer because the answer to the phone is the phone answering answer phone.

The Men Who Stare at Boats

Sometimes I think that people are just trying to make life difficult for everyone else around them.  That thought was confirmed this week when things started falling from the sky and people were using magnets to attract the metallic things towards them.  I don't know why they were doing it, they were just being douche bags.

It also seems that things that are are actually things that aren't, and things that aren't aren't things that aren't, but are things that are.  Think about that.

Buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo.

John, while James had had "had", had had "had had"; "had had" had had a better effect on the teacher.

Things that go on in the bathroom should stay in Congress.